Mind-control...

Having a split brain can be both comforting and disconcerting. My rational mind tries to control the emotional side and typically it wins out...but this past week, it's been really hard to keep emotional-brain in check with all that's going on (or about to go on) with the coming birth of The Super Amazing Baby Ana. I've decided that's her new nickname. She's gonna need it, after all.


It's a lot more scary to look at the report from the echocardiogram and read the technical terms.  It's also a lot more scary to realize what your bubble of peace didn't allow you to process whilst in the doc's office: that they're going to have to stop blood flow to her brain for a short time while they work on her little heart in the first operation.  The surgeon (Dr. Jonas) is one of the top in the country and a front runner in developing new procedures and actively working to eliminate/decrease possible brain damage after these kinds of procedures, (I left out the technical terms...they're only important to doctors anyways, right?) so I shouldn't be overly worried.  The Super Amazing Baby Ana  is in the best capable hands.


Why, then, can't I shake the darker thoughts? I'm comfortable with the belief that she's going to be ok after all of it...I believe in the talent and capabilities of all of the doctors...I believe that God will see us through as a family and we'll look back on all of this and be able to breathe again. But part of me feels inadequate....like I couldn't create a fully healthy little baby...I wouldn't quite call it guilt out-right. Just...inadequacy...and sadness. I also can't help but worry for little Ana a small bit. So much could happen that I'm not even allowing myself to focus on - it also could all just go easy and fine. I wish I could heal this for her somehow. She's not even here and already, the beginning of her life is Mt Everest. Most of me is excited and can't wait to meet her...I already know she's amazing and awesome. The other smaller part wishes we could have a moment of that care-free excited-new-parent-buzz...and is sad that it's never going to be completely worry-free. 


I know a lot of it is hormones and just plain acceptable levels of reaction and stress/worry...but I feel like I should be strong and it shouldn't bother me if I believe strong enough that everything will be ok. Yet, whenever anyone brings up babies lately...or people who don't know what's going on saying "how exciting!" and I don't feel like going into the whole story of what's going on...I feel deflated...and it's getting REALLY hard not to cry every time it comes up. Sunday, I couldn't stop crying and had to go home...of course, that was also due to 4 hrs of sleep. Lack of sleep makes it all a lot harder to cope with.


Even though I'm very very excited, I'm also now finding myself hoping that The Super Amazing Baby Ana doesn't come out too early...the longer she's in there, the more time we have knowing she's safe for the time being. And she moves around so much! It's awesome. :) I wish I could keep this feeling forever...like my own little tummy-pet.