Having a split brain can be both comforting and disconcerting. My rational mind tries to control the emotional side and typically it wins out...but this past week, it's been really hard to keep emotional-brain in check with all that's going on (or about to go on) with the coming birth of The Super Amazing Baby Ana. I've decided that's her new nickname. She's gonna need it, after all.
It's a lot more scary to look at the report from the echocardiogram and read the technical terms. It's also a lot more scary to realize what your bubble of peace didn't allow you to process whilst in the doc's office: that they're going to have to stop blood flow to her brain for a short time while they work on her little heart in the first operation. The surgeon (Dr. Jonas) is one of the top in the country and a front runner in developing new procedures and actively working to eliminate/decrease possible brain damage after these kinds of procedures, (I left out the technical terms...they're only important to doctors anyways, right?) so I shouldn't be overly worried.
The Super Amazing Baby Ana is in the best capable hands.
Why, then, can't I shake the darker thoughts? I'm comfortable with the belief that she's going to be ok after all of it...I believe in the talent and capabilities of all of the doctors...I believe that God will see us through as a family and we'll look back on all of this and be able to breathe again. But part of me feels inadequate....like I couldn't create a fully healthy little baby...I wouldn't quite call it guilt out-right. Just...inadequacy...and sadness. I also can't help but worry for little Ana a small bit. So much could happen that I'm not even allowing myself to focus on - it also could all just go easy and fine. I wish I could heal this for her somehow. She's not even here and already, the beginning of her life is Mt Everest. Most of me is excited and can't wait to meet her...I already know she's amazing and awesome. The other smaller part wishes we could have a moment of that care-free excited-new-parent-buzz...and is sad that it's never going to be completely worry-free.
I know a lot of it is hormones and just plain acceptable levels of reaction and stress/worry...but I feel like I should be strong and it shouldn't bother me if I believe strong enough that everything will be ok. Yet, whenever anyone brings up babies lately...or people who don't know what's going on saying "how exciting!" and I don't feel like going into the whole story of what's going on...I feel deflated...and it's getting REALLY hard not to cry every time it comes up. Sunday, I couldn't stop crying and had to go home...of course, that was also due to 4 hrs of sleep. Lack of sleep makes it all a lot harder to cope with.
Even though I'm very very excited, I'm also now finding myself hoping that The Super Amazing Baby Ana doesn't come out too early...the longer she's in there, the more time we have knowing she's safe for the time being. And she moves around so much! It's awesome. :) I wish I could keep this feeling forever...like my own little tummy-pet.
Adventure-Progress
Showing posts with label Updates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Updates. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Serenity, Now
Well, now that developments are quite a bit more frequent, I'll be posting more often (and hopefully less long-winded as the previous post). Current update: last Wednesday, we went to the specialist for the echocardiogram and they confirmed previous guesses: HRHS with Tricuspid Atresia. This basically means that the lower right ventricle is not formed and they believe she is missing her pulmonary artery.
The whole thing sounds scary at first, but what they can do now a days is pretty amazing when it comes to the heart. Also as a positive, the left side of her heart (which is the main part of the heart that is supposed to pump for a lifetime of work) looks good and strong. Ana will have to undergo 3 surgeries in her first 2-3 years of life, but after that should be relatively normal and live a happy life. No contact sports for her, but she can still be active and have kids according to the doctor. Here's another good thing about the internet: I've found plenty of stories where kids have grown up after these procedures and lived/felt normal and even recently had healthy babies of their own. Those stories give me hope and peace for the future. :)
Another thing that has given me inner peace as well as strength is the Hypnobabies class that Tim & I started this past week. One week and I feel completely changed and empowered! I knew this was the right class for us...I had no idea how thoroughly it would work and how quickly, though. My instructor, Susan, is absolutely awesome! She even shared with us another instructor's story to help give us added strength and peace. Lindsay had a perfectly happy and peaceful home-birth, in water. Her daughter came out and Lindsay was even surprised she'd come out already. 10 days later, they found out that little June had a heart defect (similar, yet different) and needed to go in for treatment. She was able to go home to mom & dad 10 days later and is on medications and awaiting her surgery in a few months, but is otherwise able to interact with siblings and family (and even do baby yoga class with mom). It's a very inspiring story...on top of the other stories I've found.
On top of all the inspiration, my Hypnobabies course has me relatively completely relaxed and in control of my emotions & future interactions with doctors/hospital staff/people who want to undermine my determination for still a peaceful, happy birth. I came up with a birth plan last night (& questions for the staff), ran it by Tim who approved, and sent it to Caroline (the social worker coordinating my birth) along with Lindsay's story from the news to use as fodder against the hospitals who seem bound and determined to strap me to a bed and "deliver" this baby from me. Lesson 1: I don't need to "be delivered", thank you very much! I will birth my little precious baby when she decides it's time and how I see fit. As long as I have my wits about me, that's how it's gonna be. /nods/
It's kinda funny...at first, I wondered, "what possible lesson or positive experience could this development bring?" But at this point, I know it'll bring Tim, Ana, and I closer together as a tight little family; I know it's making me stronger and more stable as a mom - I'm learning very quickly how to stick up for what I say will and will not happen; and Tim and I are both learning deeper communication and relaxation skills which are useful even beyond this adventure. I'm positive that Ana will be just fine. I've seen images of her happy and giggling as a baby, smiling and beautiful as a child, dancing and spinning in the sunshine, and I've seen her older and refined - glowing and beautiful. I might be delusional to some (crazy hippie girl!), but I honestly believe these things will be true. It's just gonna be a little different of a road to get there than we expected. :-)
As an end-note, I have to say how amazing and awesome Tim is as a father, partner, husband, friend, and supporter. He's right there beside me in everything - he's researching on starting a fund for little Ana, setting up a fundraiser event to help support her treatments in the future, and supporting me by buffering with our friends/family and notification/updates to what's happening. I love him more completely every day and I wouldn't want anyone else by my side in this adventure. I'm so excited for our future with our happy little family!
On a second-happy-end-note: I can feel little Ana kicking externally and moving around like my belly is an amazing little jungle gym all this week! Tim also got to feel her little head at our midwife appointment on Friday...and got to draw my blood for glucose testing because the nurse couldn't get it with the tiny needles. That's bonding right there! lol!
<3!
The whole thing sounds scary at first, but what they can do now a days is pretty amazing when it comes to the heart. Also as a positive, the left side of her heart (which is the main part of the heart that is supposed to pump for a lifetime of work) looks good and strong. Ana will have to undergo 3 surgeries in her first 2-3 years of life, but after that should be relatively normal and live a happy life. No contact sports for her, but she can still be active and have kids according to the doctor. Here's another good thing about the internet: I've found plenty of stories where kids have grown up after these procedures and lived/felt normal and even recently had healthy babies of their own. Those stories give me hope and peace for the future. :)
Another thing that has given me inner peace as well as strength is the Hypnobabies class that Tim & I started this past week. One week and I feel completely changed and empowered! I knew this was the right class for us...I had no idea how thoroughly it would work and how quickly, though. My instructor, Susan, is absolutely awesome! She even shared with us another instructor's story to help give us added strength and peace. Lindsay had a perfectly happy and peaceful home-birth, in water. Her daughter came out and Lindsay was even surprised she'd come out already. 10 days later, they found out that little June had a heart defect (similar, yet different) and needed to go in for treatment. She was able to go home to mom & dad 10 days later and is on medications and awaiting her surgery in a few months, but is otherwise able to interact with siblings and family (and even do baby yoga class with mom). It's a very inspiring story...on top of the other stories I've found.
On top of all the inspiration, my Hypnobabies course has me relatively completely relaxed and in control of my emotions & future interactions with doctors/hospital staff/people who want to undermine my determination for still a peaceful, happy birth. I came up with a birth plan last night (& questions for the staff), ran it by Tim who approved, and sent it to Caroline (the social worker coordinating my birth) along with Lindsay's story from the news to use as fodder against the hospitals who seem bound and determined to strap me to a bed and "deliver" this baby from me. Lesson 1: I don't need to "be delivered", thank you very much! I will birth my little precious baby when she decides it's time and how I see fit. As long as I have my wits about me, that's how it's gonna be. /nods/
It's kinda funny...at first, I wondered, "what possible lesson or positive experience could this development bring?" But at this point, I know it'll bring Tim, Ana, and I closer together as a tight little family; I know it's making me stronger and more stable as a mom - I'm learning very quickly how to stick up for what I say will and will not happen; and Tim and I are both learning deeper communication and relaxation skills which are useful even beyond this adventure. I'm positive that Ana will be just fine. I've seen images of her happy and giggling as a baby, smiling and beautiful as a child, dancing and spinning in the sunshine, and I've seen her older and refined - glowing and beautiful. I might be delusional to some (crazy hippie girl!), but I honestly believe these things will be true. It's just gonna be a little different of a road to get there than we expected. :-)
As an end-note, I have to say how amazing and awesome Tim is as a father, partner, husband, friend, and supporter. He's right there beside me in everything - he's researching on starting a fund for little Ana, setting up a fundraiser event to help support her treatments in the future, and supporting me by buffering with our friends/family and notification/updates to what's happening. I love him more completely every day and I wouldn't want anyone else by my side in this adventure. I'm so excited for our future with our happy little family!
On a second-happy-end-note: I can feel little Ana kicking externally and moving around like my belly is an amazing little jungle gym all this week! Tim also got to feel her little head at our midwife appointment on Friday...and got to draw my blood for glucose testing because the nurse couldn't get it with the tiny needles. That's bonding right there! lol!
<3!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
25 weeks!!
Ok, I'm really REALLY bad at this updating thing...once a month...hopefully I'll have more to update now that I'm 1 week away from my third trimester!! :D I'm SUPER excited! So many changes in the past week or so even.
The bump is definitely there...and prohibitive lol. I keep forgetting I can't bend over a sink or climb over the bed and reach something on the other side of the room like I'd normally do. There's definitely a baby there now.
My energy levels are duplicitous: While I have a TON more energy (happy bubbly glowing energy!) since I don't feel like yacking every day as I did through the first 19 weeks, I also have less stamina when it comes to that energy. If I don't sleep good, I wake up tired....juice and healthy fruits and veggies help a lot. I have to work til 11pm and little Izzy (the monster-dog) wakes me up every day at 930am - so lasting until 11pm can get hard. Tonight, I'm making a point to go back home with Tim & lay in the recently-erected kiddie pool tho...I think relaxing before bed might help the quality of sleep. He also mentioned last night that standing in the cool water might help my body temp to cool down before bed. I have the most horrible time right now getting cold enough to sleep. The thermostat says 73, my stuffy head and lungs say 92.
Cravings still aren't all that weird; I've more or less settled into a really good pattern of enjoying a wheat english muffin with PB&Strawberry Jam for breakfast (with side of cantaloupe), some kind of veggie/salad/something for lunch with more fruit for snacks, and whatever I feel like for dinner (usually something basic and healthy...or pizza once in a while...I just can't do the bread so often - it doesn't feel good to my brain which is craving nutrients).
Movement: She's been moving around a LOT more...I felt external kicks on 3 different days...and yesterday I was sitting outside, felt a pressure/pinch in my rib...felt it with my hand, and the pressure was still there when I pulled my hand away...I felt it again and could feel the hard shape of a foot or hand...I'm assuming it was a foot; it felt bigger than a hand. :D COOLEST.THING.EVER!
Wednesday is our little Ana's heart exam. I'm praying everything turns out completely fine and normal. Once that's cleared (as it hopefully will be), I'll be able to be completely excited about baby and the fun and joy of it all. This whole baby thing still doesn't feel completely real yet on some days. I have days where I still just feel blah and bloated and fluffier than normal rather than having some living little thing inside of me. Playing with Tim's grandbaby, Maddie, helped make it much more of a reality. I'm SO EXCITED!!! I can't wait to meet our little Ana Leigh!!! :D
The bump is definitely there...and prohibitive lol. I keep forgetting I can't bend over a sink or climb over the bed and reach something on the other side of the room like I'd normally do. There's definitely a baby there now.
My energy levels are duplicitous: While I have a TON more energy (happy bubbly glowing energy!) since I don't feel like yacking every day as I did through the first 19 weeks, I also have less stamina when it comes to that energy. If I don't sleep good, I wake up tired....juice and healthy fruits and veggies help a lot. I have to work til 11pm and little Izzy (the monster-dog) wakes me up every day at 930am - so lasting until 11pm can get hard. Tonight, I'm making a point to go back home with Tim & lay in the recently-erected kiddie pool tho...I think relaxing before bed might help the quality of sleep. He also mentioned last night that standing in the cool water might help my body temp to cool down before bed. I have the most horrible time right now getting cold enough to sleep. The thermostat says 73, my stuffy head and lungs say 92.
Cravings still aren't all that weird; I've more or less settled into a really good pattern of enjoying a wheat english muffin with PB&Strawberry Jam for breakfast (with side of cantaloupe), some kind of veggie/salad/something for lunch with more fruit for snacks, and whatever I feel like for dinner (usually something basic and healthy...or pizza once in a while...I just can't do the bread so often - it doesn't feel good to my brain which is craving nutrients).
Movement: She's been moving around a LOT more...I felt external kicks on 3 different days...and yesterday I was sitting outside, felt a pressure/pinch in my rib...felt it with my hand, and the pressure was still there when I pulled my hand away...I felt it again and could feel the hard shape of a foot or hand...I'm assuming it was a foot; it felt bigger than a hand. :D COOLEST.THING.EVER!
Wednesday is our little Ana's heart exam. I'm praying everything turns out completely fine and normal. Once that's cleared (as it hopefully will be), I'll be able to be completely excited about baby and the fun and joy of it all. This whole baby thing still doesn't feel completely real yet on some days. I have days where I still just feel blah and bloated and fluffier than normal rather than having some living little thing inside of me. Playing with Tim's grandbaby, Maddie, helped make it much more of a reality. I'm SO EXCITED!!! I can't wait to meet our little Ana Leigh!!! :D
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Sprogette!! :D
It's A GIRL!!!!
We officially have a little girl growing in my belly! :-D We both decided on the name Ana Leigh (pronounced "AH-na LEE"; not Aaaanna) - think "Puff the magic dragon." ;-D This post will likely have many smiley faces and excited gibber-jabber.
I know I've been bad about adding into my blog, but I'm going to chalk up my lack-of-presence to my state of mind for the past month; and my resurgence into the baby-blogdom as the breaking of my tired/sick/anti-social period. I finally broke the morning sickness at 19wks, and have a renewed sense of energy and happiness. I finally feel (mostly) comfortable with this whole being-pregnant thing...minus the prickly heat. OMG, I want to strangle small squirrels when it comes to that. I haven't itched this bad since chicken pox when I was eight....and nothing fixes it other than being naked and bags of ice cubes. I've taken to wearing maxi-dresses and sun dresses regularly. I'm done with jeans & pants! HOORAY! NO PANTS!!
Aside from stress of life-events, having to move this week, and getting through morning-sickness and prickly-heat, things are starting to look very happy and up. I'm pretty sure that's all due to finding out this past Friday that we have a little girl and can stop calling Sprog an "it". It's kinda amazing how it doesn't feel quite real until you can pin a specific detail to it...like girl/boy. Plus, I'm sure sitting there for an hour+ while she bounced around in my stomach for the sono-tech helped make it more realistic. She dances like crazy ALL the time! lol! I love it! My little Bump-App on my phone has a kick counter and I can't even begin to count the kicks, because she's simply in constant movement.
T & I went baby-registry-creating after the sono & although he reeeeeally wanted a boy, it was adorable to see how excited he was with picking out little girl things. I was so tired and beat by the end of it that I just let him pick most of the necessity things. He got into my everything-PURPLE! mood on his own and helped to pick out some really pretty & cute things that are very much influenced by the both of us. :-) Flowers & Butterflies....and BUNNIES!! :-D The rest of the weekend, he's pampered me with yummy foods, relaxation, and we managed to pack a little. (stress) * I'm trying to not let the move thing stress me out too bad - it'll get done one way or another - and we have all week to finish packing...so I'm breathing - Ohhhhhhhhmmmm....
NOW I get to make sure initial baby shower-fun-planning is in place...I was thinking bunnies - but I decided Friday that I really want a luau party. :-D The shower is going to have to be last weekend of July (29th/Sunday) or the following weekend Aug 4th (Saturday) - so outside might be out-of-the-question with the heat....as hot as I've been already without it even being 1 week into May. But I have an amazing friend & planner (plus some amazing deputies to help plan)....so I just have to come up with the theme & the list and let it all happen! :-D So luau baby shower with a hawaiian bunny cake! :-D Sounds perfect to me!
And little Ana Leigh is dancing around in my belly - which means I'm hungry, thirsty, or just need to stretch my legs. Hopefully I will be posting a lot more frequently now that I get to have fun with being preggo! :D
Toodles!!
~The-Mommy~
PS. Check out the updated registries!!! :D
We officially have a little girl growing in my belly! :-D We both decided on the name Ana Leigh (pronounced "AH-na LEE"; not Aaaanna) - think "Puff the magic dragon." ;-D This post will likely have many smiley faces and excited gibber-jabber.
I know I've been bad about adding into my blog, but I'm going to chalk up my lack-of-presence to my state of mind for the past month; and my resurgence into the baby-blogdom as the breaking of my tired/sick/anti-social period. I finally broke the morning sickness at 19wks, and have a renewed sense of energy and happiness. I finally feel (mostly) comfortable with this whole being-pregnant thing...minus the prickly heat. OMG, I want to strangle small squirrels when it comes to that. I haven't itched this bad since chicken pox when I was eight....and nothing fixes it other than being naked and bags of ice cubes. I've taken to wearing maxi-dresses and sun dresses regularly. I'm done with jeans & pants! HOORAY! NO PANTS!!
Aside from stress of life-events, having to move this week, and getting through morning-sickness and prickly-heat, things are starting to look very happy and up. I'm pretty sure that's all due to finding out this past Friday that we have a little girl and can stop calling Sprog an "it". It's kinda amazing how it doesn't feel quite real until you can pin a specific detail to it...like girl/boy. Plus, I'm sure sitting there for an hour+ while she bounced around in my stomach for the sono-tech helped make it more realistic. She dances like crazy ALL the time! lol! I love it! My little Bump-App on my phone has a kick counter and I can't even begin to count the kicks, because she's simply in constant movement.
T & I went baby-registry-creating after the sono & although he reeeeeally wanted a boy, it was adorable to see how excited he was with picking out little girl things. I was so tired and beat by the end of it that I just let him pick most of the necessity things. He got into my everything-PURPLE! mood on his own and helped to pick out some really pretty & cute things that are very much influenced by the both of us. :-) Flowers & Butterflies....and BUNNIES!! :-D The rest of the weekend, he's pampered me with yummy foods, relaxation, and we managed to pack a little. (stress) * I'm trying to not let the move thing stress me out too bad - it'll get done one way or another - and we have all week to finish packing...so I'm breathing - Ohhhhhhhhmmmm....
NOW I get to make sure initial baby shower-fun-planning is in place...I was thinking bunnies - but I decided Friday that I really want a luau party. :-D The shower is going to have to be last weekend of July (29th/Sunday) or the following weekend Aug 4th (Saturday) - so outside might be out-of-the-question with the heat....as hot as I've been already without it even being 1 week into May. But I have an amazing friend & planner (plus some amazing deputies to help plan)....so I just have to come up with the theme & the list and let it all happen! :-D So luau baby shower with a hawaiian bunny cake! :-D Sounds perfect to me!
And little Ana Leigh is dancing around in my belly - which means I'm hungry, thirsty, or just need to stretch my legs. Hopefully I will be posting a lot more frequently now that I get to have fun with being preggo! :D
Toodles!!
~The-Mommy~
PS. Check out the updated registries!!! :D
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Updates & NAMES!!!! :D
Nothing really important to say right now...It's been a very stressful couple of weeks, but things are progressing quite swimmingly. (haha...get it? sprog..swimming...goo)
Last check-up was 2 wks ago, Mom went with me & we got to hear the heartbeat (158-160bpm) which was quite comforting given the stress and a small scare (brown spotting = nothing to worry about - for those who might need to know).
I keep having the oddest most vivid dreams, though. I wake up and wonder what day it is, if the things I just dreamed really happened...take for instance last night's show: My friend Ang & I were both pregnant, only our babies randomly dissolved - and they were on the same ultrasound as just little heads...the bodies were gone...so then there was this obsessive need to get a hold of my dentist right now! to find out why they dissolved and how to replace the dissolved baby...although Ang was relieved hers had dissolved in my dream. Very strange. Can I have my normal vampire/zombie/recurring-tornado dreams back, kplsthnx.
So...I'm 15 weeks now (WOOHOO!!!!) and SUPER excited!! I have the appointment/meeting with the midwives at the Northern Virginia Birth Center in Chantilly this week!! I'm finding it amusing that I set up this appointment to figure out whether I wanted to switch to them or stick with my OB, and by the time I get to that appointment, I'll have already made up my mind. I've done a bit of obsessive research into pros/cons for both places, including testimonials on both the positive & negative side, and pretty much those all helped make it obvious that the Birth Center is for me....definitely NOT the Birthing Inn @iNoVa. Having come to that conclusion, I no longer feel afraid to delivery little sprog; but excited and at peace and happy!! :D Bring it on!!! I say.
Ok, so note to self - in prep, need to actively start going to yoga on Thursday nights & Bri (sis-in-law) told me that my niece's ballet school does an intermediate adult ballet class. I'm totally in. :D No pointe for me, though. I have a feeling my floppy ankles would lead to falling which would not be so great for sprog...although I have perfected grace-in-falling.
2nd note - evening-sickness has switched over to morning-sickness for 2nd trimester. Please, Please, PLEASE don't let this be a full 2nd-trimester thing....I'm hoping it's just stress....and maybe my body's way of saying "we want more fruits and veggies!!" I can't stomach the thought of ANY foods before about 3pm for the past 3 days. :( Today, I went to Wegg's and picked up a baguette, some brie (thank GOD brie is pasteurized!), grapes, tomato, edamame-hummus, carrots, veggie gyoza, and shrimp summer rolls. This sprog must be a veggiesaurus. The thought of bacon/eggs/heavy meats is enough to make me yack lately - even though I nom'd down a piece of bacon this morning...and that steak Tim made me last week was absolutely to die for...and the burger Dad made last night was also amazing. But then, I get 1/2 way through my meals and I can't stomach another bite and it needs to be out from in front of me NOW. Makes meal-planning even harder than before. So, I've decided I'll be veggiesaurus for a while until sprog decides it wants something else.
Frozen grapes = the best sweet treat in the WORLD! :-9 yum!
OH YES!!!!! Major MAJOR update!!
*****WE HAVE NAMES!!!*****
Girl: Áine Lynn
Boy: Chase Allan
WOOHOO!!!!
Now we just have 5 more weeks before we figure out which one little sprog is. :-)
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