Having a split brain can be both comforting and disconcerting. My rational mind tries to control the emotional side and typically it wins out...but this past week, it's been really hard to keep emotional-brain in check with all that's going on (or about to go on) with the coming birth of The Super Amazing Baby Ana. I've decided that's her new nickname. She's gonna need it, after all.
It's a lot more scary to look at the report from the echocardiogram and read the technical terms. It's also a lot more scary to realize what your bubble of peace didn't allow you to process whilst in the doc's office: that they're going to have to stop blood flow to her brain for a short time while they work on her little heart in the first operation. The surgeon (Dr. Jonas) is one of the top in the country and a front runner in developing new procedures and actively working to eliminate/decrease possible brain damage after these kinds of procedures, (I left out the technical terms...they're only important to doctors anyways, right?) so I shouldn't be overly worried.
The Super Amazing Baby Ana is in the best capable hands.
Why, then, can't I shake the darker thoughts? I'm comfortable with the belief that she's going to be ok after all of it...I believe in the talent and capabilities of all of the doctors...I believe that God will see us through as a family and we'll look back on all of this and be able to breathe again. But part of me feels inadequate....like I couldn't create a fully healthy little baby...I wouldn't quite call it guilt out-right. Just...inadequacy...and sadness. I also can't help but worry for little Ana a small bit. So much could happen that I'm not even allowing myself to focus on - it also could all just go easy and fine. I wish I could heal this for her somehow. She's not even here and already, the beginning of her life is Mt Everest. Most of me is excited and can't wait to meet her...I already know she's amazing and awesome. The other smaller part wishes we could have a moment of that care-free excited-new-parent-buzz...and is sad that it's never going to be completely worry-free.
I know a lot of it is hormones and just plain acceptable levels of reaction and stress/worry...but I feel like I should be strong and it shouldn't bother me if I believe strong enough that everything will be ok. Yet, whenever anyone brings up babies lately...or people who don't know what's going on saying "how exciting!" and I don't feel like going into the whole story of what's going on...I feel deflated...and it's getting REALLY hard not to cry every time it comes up. Sunday, I couldn't stop crying and had to go home...of course, that was also due to 4 hrs of sleep. Lack of sleep makes it all a lot harder to cope with.
Even though I'm very very excited, I'm also now finding myself hoping that The Super Amazing Baby Ana doesn't come out too early...the longer she's in there, the more time we have knowing she's safe for the time being. And she moves around so much! It's awesome. :) I wish I could keep this feeling forever...like my own little tummy-pet.
Adventure-Progress
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Serenity, Now
Well, now that developments are quite a bit more frequent, I'll be posting more often (and hopefully less long-winded as the previous post). Current update: last Wednesday, we went to the specialist for the echocardiogram and they confirmed previous guesses: HRHS with Tricuspid Atresia. This basically means that the lower right ventricle is not formed and they believe she is missing her pulmonary artery.
The whole thing sounds scary at first, but what they can do now a days is pretty amazing when it comes to the heart. Also as a positive, the left side of her heart (which is the main part of the heart that is supposed to pump for a lifetime of work) looks good and strong. Ana will have to undergo 3 surgeries in her first 2-3 years of life, but after that should be relatively normal and live a happy life. No contact sports for her, but she can still be active and have kids according to the doctor. Here's another good thing about the internet: I've found plenty of stories where kids have grown up after these procedures and lived/felt normal and even recently had healthy babies of their own. Those stories give me hope and peace for the future. :)
Another thing that has given me inner peace as well as strength is the Hypnobabies class that Tim & I started this past week. One week and I feel completely changed and empowered! I knew this was the right class for us...I had no idea how thoroughly it would work and how quickly, though. My instructor, Susan, is absolutely awesome! She even shared with us another instructor's story to help give us added strength and peace. Lindsay had a perfectly happy and peaceful home-birth, in water. Her daughter came out and Lindsay was even surprised she'd come out already. 10 days later, they found out that little June had a heart defect (similar, yet different) and needed to go in for treatment. She was able to go home to mom & dad 10 days later and is on medications and awaiting her surgery in a few months, but is otherwise able to interact with siblings and family (and even do baby yoga class with mom). It's a very inspiring story...on top of the other stories I've found.
On top of all the inspiration, my Hypnobabies course has me relatively completely relaxed and in control of my emotions & future interactions with doctors/hospital staff/people who want to undermine my determination for still a peaceful, happy birth. I came up with a birth plan last night (& questions for the staff), ran it by Tim who approved, and sent it to Caroline (the social worker coordinating my birth) along with Lindsay's story from the news to use as fodder against the hospitals who seem bound and determined to strap me to a bed and "deliver" this baby from me. Lesson 1: I don't need to "be delivered", thank you very much! I will birth my little precious baby when she decides it's time and how I see fit. As long as I have my wits about me, that's how it's gonna be. /nods/
It's kinda funny...at first, I wondered, "what possible lesson or positive experience could this development bring?" But at this point, I know it'll bring Tim, Ana, and I closer together as a tight little family; I know it's making me stronger and more stable as a mom - I'm learning very quickly how to stick up for what I say will and will not happen; and Tim and I are both learning deeper communication and relaxation skills which are useful even beyond this adventure. I'm positive that Ana will be just fine. I've seen images of her happy and giggling as a baby, smiling and beautiful as a child, dancing and spinning in the sunshine, and I've seen her older and refined - glowing and beautiful. I might be delusional to some (crazy hippie girl!), but I honestly believe these things will be true. It's just gonna be a little different of a road to get there than we expected. :-)
As an end-note, I have to say how amazing and awesome Tim is as a father, partner, husband, friend, and supporter. He's right there beside me in everything - he's researching on starting a fund for little Ana, setting up a fundraiser event to help support her treatments in the future, and supporting me by buffering with our friends/family and notification/updates to what's happening. I love him more completely every day and I wouldn't want anyone else by my side in this adventure. I'm so excited for our future with our happy little family!
On a second-happy-end-note: I can feel little Ana kicking externally and moving around like my belly is an amazing little jungle gym all this week! Tim also got to feel her little head at our midwife appointment on Friday...and got to draw my blood for glucose testing because the nurse couldn't get it with the tiny needles. That's bonding right there! lol!
<3!
The whole thing sounds scary at first, but what they can do now a days is pretty amazing when it comes to the heart. Also as a positive, the left side of her heart (which is the main part of the heart that is supposed to pump for a lifetime of work) looks good and strong. Ana will have to undergo 3 surgeries in her first 2-3 years of life, but after that should be relatively normal and live a happy life. No contact sports for her, but she can still be active and have kids according to the doctor. Here's another good thing about the internet: I've found plenty of stories where kids have grown up after these procedures and lived/felt normal and even recently had healthy babies of their own. Those stories give me hope and peace for the future. :)
Another thing that has given me inner peace as well as strength is the Hypnobabies class that Tim & I started this past week. One week and I feel completely changed and empowered! I knew this was the right class for us...I had no idea how thoroughly it would work and how quickly, though. My instructor, Susan, is absolutely awesome! She even shared with us another instructor's story to help give us added strength and peace. Lindsay had a perfectly happy and peaceful home-birth, in water. Her daughter came out and Lindsay was even surprised she'd come out already. 10 days later, they found out that little June had a heart defect (similar, yet different) and needed to go in for treatment. She was able to go home to mom & dad 10 days later and is on medications and awaiting her surgery in a few months, but is otherwise able to interact with siblings and family (and even do baby yoga class with mom). It's a very inspiring story...on top of the other stories I've found.
On top of all the inspiration, my Hypnobabies course has me relatively completely relaxed and in control of my emotions & future interactions with doctors/hospital staff/people who want to undermine my determination for still a peaceful, happy birth. I came up with a birth plan last night (& questions for the staff), ran it by Tim who approved, and sent it to Caroline (the social worker coordinating my birth) along with Lindsay's story from the news to use as fodder against the hospitals who seem bound and determined to strap me to a bed and "deliver" this baby from me. Lesson 1: I don't need to "be delivered", thank you very much! I will birth my little precious baby when she decides it's time and how I see fit. As long as I have my wits about me, that's how it's gonna be. /nods/
It's kinda funny...at first, I wondered, "what possible lesson or positive experience could this development bring?" But at this point, I know it'll bring Tim, Ana, and I closer together as a tight little family; I know it's making me stronger and more stable as a mom - I'm learning very quickly how to stick up for what I say will and will not happen; and Tim and I are both learning deeper communication and relaxation skills which are useful even beyond this adventure. I'm positive that Ana will be just fine. I've seen images of her happy and giggling as a baby, smiling and beautiful as a child, dancing and spinning in the sunshine, and I've seen her older and refined - glowing and beautiful. I might be delusional to some (crazy hippie girl!), but I honestly believe these things will be true. It's just gonna be a little different of a road to get there than we expected. :-)
As an end-note, I have to say how amazing and awesome Tim is as a father, partner, husband, friend, and supporter. He's right there beside me in everything - he's researching on starting a fund for little Ana, setting up a fundraiser event to help support her treatments in the future, and supporting me by buffering with our friends/family and notification/updates to what's happening. I love him more completely every day and I wouldn't want anyone else by my side in this adventure. I'm so excited for our future with our happy little family!
On a second-happy-end-note: I can feel little Ana kicking externally and moving around like my belly is an amazing little jungle gym all this week! Tim also got to feel her little head at our midwife appointment on Friday...and got to draw my blood for glucose testing because the nurse couldn't get it with the tiny needles. That's bonding right there! lol!
<3!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Descisions & Listening To Your Inner Baby...
Well, so the pool thing was fun - but it was a LOT colder than I expected, so it didn't last long. But! It was a fun little spontaneous bonding adventure for hubby & I...and then we snuggled really well during sleep and I'm pretty sure I managed a full night without punching him. :D I'm sure he's pretty happy about that as well.
Little Ana is SUPER active today. I'm enjoying my salads, fruits, veggies and she's having a little party in there. I need to keep reminding myself to stick to healthy this week; glucose testing on Friday! I'm hoping I pass the 1-hour and don't have to do the dreaded 3-hour. I generally eat rather healthy and don't much care for sweets or breads (the breads are a total pregnant anti-craving for me). I drink tons of water every day and limit my tea to 1 glass of green-jasmine-sweet-tea when I get to work. I'm thinking I'll be ok hopefully. My BP has been completely awesome the whole time (and has actually gotten better as I progress) and I still haven't gained more than 2lbs...contrary to how my belly looks. I swear little Ana is taking everything I eat, lol.
So my monthly midwife appointment is this Friday - the last meeting wasn't too awesome. It followed my 20wk sono which ended with the flighty dr saying she couldn't see all of the heart well enough to get a picture of all 4 chambers at once. She assured my mom and I that it was probably okay, but they were going to send me to Children's to get another look "just to be sure". The midwife called me quite concerned and said that the dr put on the report that something was probably wrong and that I needed a fetal-echo to get the full heart picture...and even labeled it as Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome. All based on an uncertainty. I was pissed. But, getting pissed doesn't change anything...and neither does worrying. So, I decided to not allow it to affect me (mostly). I'm working on my mind-over-matter bit and picturing Ana's little healthy heart beating away all happy and bouncy like. I've sent many prayers up to the big dude in the sky. We'll see what happens at the testing on Wed.
On top of that whole possibility-facing-mess, the midwife (who is decidedly NOT the one I want to use...which I realize I may not have a choice) launches into a story about how her grandson had HLHS and had the operations after being born and died. *BAM!* The End. No uplifting words, no encouragement...just "Oh this happened to me and he died." We didn't respond how she wanted us to...not quite sure how she expected us to react, but yeah...WHO DOES THAT???
So we skip over that part and move to the next topic: how I'm doing, what I'm eating, what vitamins I'm taking, and birthing classes. When I was in there 2x previously, both midwives were in the middle of labour-delivery and I met with a student-midwife who told me simply to look into birthing classes. She didn't give me specifics, so I went on my own search for different styles and classes. I came across Hypnobabies - which uses self-hypnosis as a relaxation technique. I'm used to using meditation and other hippie-friendly things (diet change, sleep, natural remedies, etc) and this seems like a complete fit for how I envision my birth going: peaceful, happy, and actually exciting!
Go back to most recent MW visit with Ms. Negative: "We use the Bradley method, you should do that class first and use hypnobabies next time." Complete disregard for my reasoning on why I thought it was a good fit for me. On the dietary things we went over, "juice is full of sugar, you should get your vitamin C from supplements." Again, completely ignoring me when I said that I use mostly organics and natural foods (less sugars/no added-sugar) and that I have 1 glass of juice a day...the rest is all real happy fruits. I understand that I can take vitamin supplements and that I need to make sure I'm getting the right amounts, but I also believe that if you eat healthy, the need for supplements is negated. I've never eaten so healthy in my life! My cravings are all fruits/veggies lately. I eat a salad a day at least. Hubby and I both left that appointment feeling less than happy with her...but fortunately, we both have an awesome need to support each other and we collectively decided to disregard her attitude as a single instance for right now and reassess after the heart exam this Wed.
So, now I'm in preparation mode for the test on Wed and the MW appointment on Friday...I haven't started taking the extra vitamin C (btw, my multi-vitamin I am taking has 100% in it already), or the pro-biotic (which I do want to start taking - but figure if I start taking it that day, I can say "yes, I'm taking it"), and I haven't signed up for any birthing classes as of yet. The whole experience last month with her made me sink back into grrrr-panic-NO! mode...which I know isn't productive or good for the baby. I know I need to take classes and be prepared or natural will just not be any fun...so I did more research today. Thank God for the interwebs!
When I started my research today, I was of the mindset of: "well, she does have years of experience and I should follow what she says." I started looking into The Bradley Method and found no real concrete description of what it consisted of really...until I found the instructor pages which listed the curriculum. 12 weeks of classes (vs. 6 wks with the Hypnobabies), and no emphasis on techniques/relaxation practices other than weekly points of focus. Part of the whole Hypnobabies concept that strikes me as "right" is that you're given CDs to listen to where you have to devote 45 min daily to practicing with and relaxing. To me, this isn't simply a once-needed class but something that can be (should be) adapted to every-day life to make it more tranquil overall.
I still wasn't quite convinced in switching back to my original class tho - the one instructor I had contacted took 3 weeks to respond to me and didn't pay attention to the information I was asking for - it took me 3x to get the cost of the course from her. I get easily turned off by people who don't pay attention after multiple attempts. So, I looked further to see if there were any other instructors, and I found another Hypnobabies instructor local to me who had MUCH more information on her site than the one I first contacted. I emailed Susan and she responded relatively immediately on her way back from NY even!! I've always known I'm an intuition kind of gal - and I believe in signs...a quick-response time vs. 3 wks is a pretty good sign of dependability to me - and a multitude of information available is even more reassuring.
I felt good about finding the right instructor, but how to comfortably counter the midwife on my decision was a different matter. More interweb-research!! I found this really awesome board from my google of Bradley Method vs. Hypnobabies and have MUCH thanks to the poster "Sudonk" who, I think, compared the methods quite concisely and informatively. In trying to decide which method to go with, I was worried that Hypnobabies might lack some of the information from Bradley Method...but after reading the posts in that entry (and others following), I feel like it would be an even better choice especially given that Hypnobabies was created by a previous-Bradley-instructor. The main difference being that TBM treats birthing as a painful experience that moms need to deal with and learn how to manage; whereas HB treats it as a peaceful experience that you can attain through knowing your body and how to guide the brain/body into a positive natural flow of birth.
What I've learned today: trust my instincts, do the research to back it up, go back to midwives prepared to say "No, this is my birth, I wanna try this way." and see what they say. :) I told Tim about my research and he's with me 100% of the way - it's such an awesome thing to have such a solid, positive, cheerful, and equally-obstinate husband and partner. I loves him to PIECES!!!! <3! I'm focusing on lesson 1 of the Hypnobabies ideals: picture the happy birth and how it should be - and applying it to my 2 appointments this week. I'm picturing a happy healthy heart in my happy little baby, and I'm picturing a happy MW visit with my favoured midwife where everything goes happy and how I want it to be. :D
Little Ana is SUPER active today. I'm enjoying my salads, fruits, veggies and she's having a little party in there. I need to keep reminding myself to stick to healthy this week; glucose testing on Friday! I'm hoping I pass the 1-hour and don't have to do the dreaded 3-hour. I generally eat rather healthy and don't much care for sweets or breads (the breads are a total pregnant anti-craving for me). I drink tons of water every day and limit my tea to 1 glass of green-jasmine-sweet-tea when I get to work. I'm thinking I'll be ok hopefully. My BP has been completely awesome the whole time (and has actually gotten better as I progress) and I still haven't gained more than 2lbs...contrary to how my belly looks. I swear little Ana is taking everything I eat, lol.
So my monthly midwife appointment is this Friday - the last meeting wasn't too awesome. It followed my 20wk sono which ended with the flighty dr saying she couldn't see all of the heart well enough to get a picture of all 4 chambers at once. She assured my mom and I that it was probably okay, but they were going to send me to Children's to get another look "just to be sure". The midwife called me quite concerned and said that the dr put on the report that something was probably wrong and that I needed a fetal-echo to get the full heart picture...and even labeled it as Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome. All based on an uncertainty. I was pissed. But, getting pissed doesn't change anything...and neither does worrying. So, I decided to not allow it to affect me (mostly). I'm working on my mind-over-matter bit and picturing Ana's little healthy heart beating away all happy and bouncy like. I've sent many prayers up to the big dude in the sky. We'll see what happens at the testing on Wed.
On top of that whole possibility-facing-mess, the midwife (who is decidedly NOT the one I want to use...which I realize I may not have a choice) launches into a story about how her grandson had HLHS and had the operations after being born and died. *BAM!* The End. No uplifting words, no encouragement...just "Oh this happened to me and he died." We didn't respond how she wanted us to...not quite sure how she expected us to react, but yeah...WHO DOES THAT???
So we skip over that part and move to the next topic: how I'm doing, what I'm eating, what vitamins I'm taking, and birthing classes. When I was in there 2x previously, both midwives were in the middle of labour-delivery and I met with a student-midwife who told me simply to look into birthing classes. She didn't give me specifics, so I went on my own search for different styles and classes. I came across Hypnobabies - which uses self-hypnosis as a relaxation technique. I'm used to using meditation and other hippie-friendly things (diet change, sleep, natural remedies, etc) and this seems like a complete fit for how I envision my birth going: peaceful, happy, and actually exciting!
Go back to most recent MW visit with Ms. Negative: "We use the Bradley method, you should do that class first and use hypnobabies next time." Complete disregard for my reasoning on why I thought it was a good fit for me. On the dietary things we went over, "juice is full of sugar, you should get your vitamin C from supplements." Again, completely ignoring me when I said that I use mostly organics and natural foods (less sugars/no added-sugar) and that I have 1 glass of juice a day...the rest is all real happy fruits. I understand that I can take vitamin supplements and that I need to make sure I'm getting the right amounts, but I also believe that if you eat healthy, the need for supplements is negated. I've never eaten so healthy in my life! My cravings are all fruits/veggies lately. I eat a salad a day at least. Hubby and I both left that appointment feeling less than happy with her...but fortunately, we both have an awesome need to support each other and we collectively decided to disregard her attitude as a single instance for right now and reassess after the heart exam this Wed.
So, now I'm in preparation mode for the test on Wed and the MW appointment on Friday...I haven't started taking the extra vitamin C (btw, my multi-vitamin I am taking has 100% in it already), or the pro-biotic (which I do want to start taking - but figure if I start taking it that day, I can say "yes, I'm taking it"), and I haven't signed up for any birthing classes as of yet. The whole experience last month with her made me sink back into grrrr-panic-NO! mode...which I know isn't productive or good for the baby. I know I need to take classes and be prepared or natural will just not be any fun...so I did more research today. Thank God for the interwebs!
When I started my research today, I was of the mindset of: "well, she does have years of experience and I should follow what she says." I started looking into The Bradley Method and found no real concrete description of what it consisted of really...until I found the instructor pages which listed the curriculum. 12 weeks of classes (vs. 6 wks with the Hypnobabies), and no emphasis on techniques/relaxation practices other than weekly points of focus. Part of the whole Hypnobabies concept that strikes me as "right" is that you're given CDs to listen to where you have to devote 45 min daily to practicing with and relaxing. To me, this isn't simply a once-needed class but something that can be (should be) adapted to every-day life to make it more tranquil overall.
I still wasn't quite convinced in switching back to my original class tho - the one instructor I had contacted took 3 weeks to respond to me and didn't pay attention to the information I was asking for - it took me 3x to get the cost of the course from her. I get easily turned off by people who don't pay attention after multiple attempts. So, I looked further to see if there were any other instructors, and I found another Hypnobabies instructor local to me who had MUCH more information on her site than the one I first contacted. I emailed Susan and she responded relatively immediately on her way back from NY even!! I've always known I'm an intuition kind of gal - and I believe in signs...a quick-response time vs. 3 wks is a pretty good sign of dependability to me - and a multitude of information available is even more reassuring.
I felt good about finding the right instructor, but how to comfortably counter the midwife on my decision was a different matter. More interweb-research!! I found this really awesome board from my google of Bradley Method vs. Hypnobabies and have MUCH thanks to the poster "Sudonk" who, I think, compared the methods quite concisely and informatively. In trying to decide which method to go with, I was worried that Hypnobabies might lack some of the information from Bradley Method...but after reading the posts in that entry (and others following), I feel like it would be an even better choice especially given that Hypnobabies was created by a previous-Bradley-instructor. The main difference being that TBM treats birthing as a painful experience that moms need to deal with and learn how to manage; whereas HB treats it as a peaceful experience that you can attain through knowing your body and how to guide the brain/body into a positive natural flow of birth.
What I've learned today: trust my instincts, do the research to back it up, go back to midwives prepared to say "No, this is my birth, I wanna try this way." and see what they say. :) I told Tim about my research and he's with me 100% of the way - it's such an awesome thing to have such a solid, positive, cheerful, and equally-obstinate husband and partner. I loves him to PIECES!!!! <3! I'm focusing on lesson 1 of the Hypnobabies ideals: picture the happy birth and how it should be - and applying it to my 2 appointments this week. I'm picturing a happy healthy heart in my happy little baby, and I'm picturing a happy MW visit with my favoured midwife where everything goes happy and how I want it to be. :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)